A few days ago, María José published a post explaining that it is important respect babies. I very much agree with your approach, and today I wanted to expand on an important aspect reflected in the entry I am talking about: I mean kisses.As an adult, are you obligated to show affection to anyone or receive it? How would you feel if someone made a pass at you? “Hey! Why don’t you give that kiss the neighbor asked for?”
sometimes it helps put ourselves in the children's shoes, to understand their emotions
Controversy is often generated when someone notices that a child's private space should not be invaded (and much less her body). Yes, I know: kisses are generally a sign of affection, and are seemingly harmless, but… The main 'but' is that Each of us should be able to decide about our body, and the fact that children are small does not make them deserving of less respect.
So bluntly A child is not forced to give or receive kisses or caresses! Which does not contradict the fact that I learn to be nice to people, as long as there's reciprocity, of course. In other words, a child might be grateful that that uncle they rarely see brought them a book; they might hold the door open if they see a neighbor coming into the building carrying bags; they might rejoice if they see their teacher in line at the movies... but let him decide about his body!
There is really nothing wrong with a boy or a girl do not want to kiss or be kissedThink about it carefully. There's nothing wrong with that, except that many of us were forced to behave this way as children, and we have a hard time recognizing respect for children.
Kisses on any occasion
Neither in anyone, but so that we understand each other. In our social environment it is customary to greet with kisses When we meet up with acquaintances/friends, when we are introduced to a new person (although a handshake is equally valid), when we visit our relatives, in intimate moments with our partner, because we want to show affection to the children... Kisses and hugs have different connotations depending on the moment and the person, however I don't give a kiss if I don't feel like itI don't give it either if the person doesn't inspire confidence in me, or if I prefer to keep my distance. Does this happen to you too?
Transferring this idea to children, It is necessary to trust them and their ability to show joy, affection or respect to other people, as they wish. This way they will feel that they have control over the situation, and in the future they can learn to Say no based on your intuition, or in their own desires, not letting themselves be carried away by what other people want to have planned for them.
Furthermore, the Standards of courtesy vary by cultureIn some places, people greet each other with one, two, or three kisses; in others, they greet each other with a bow or a wave of the hand. This context helps us understand that Good manners do not depend on kissing, but rather to greet and say goodbye with respect, through verbal or gestural means appropriate to the environment.
It is also useful to remember that in certain recent periods greetings with less physical contact for health and hygiene reasonsMany children have integrated that physical samples are selective and consented, and reserved for their closest circle. This social evolution reinforces the idea that the minor decides who he approaches and when.
Not to kisses?
That's not what I'm suggesting, but rather to leave it in the hands of the little onesOf course, in uncomfortable situations we can mediate so that the other party (a grandmother, a friend of ours) does not have to feel offended, which would not be our responsibility, on the other hand.
That is, before a 'you give me a kiss?', we can rephrase the question: "Do you want to kiss grandma? No? Ah! Remember then that when she says goodbye you can hug her if you want, or shake hands.” A relationship can be maintained without kisses if there is respect on both sides, and there are children who, when they grow up, adopt certain social norms (such as kissing someone who is introduced to them), but They will always have the final decision.
Furthermore, if (in the example above) the grandmother comes to understand and shows affection, it is possible that the child Give a hug or kiss whenever you feel like it to do it.
There are families in which a child refuses to give or receive kisses at certain timesIn these cases, you can calmly ask, "Would you rather I give you a kiss today or save it for you?" And if he doesn't want it, don't force it: offers alternatives like a smile, a wave, an “I love you,” or just staying close for a moment. These are valid ways to show affection and courtesy without violating limits.
Adults can teach good manners setting an example: greet, thank, say goodbye, listen and respect. No rule of courtesy requires kiss left and rightAnd if you accidentally plant a kiss that the little one didn't want and they "delete" it, don't get angry; The priority is that you learn to protect your own boundary.
What do we intend to achieve?
It can be very confusing for a child to have to give in to blackmail (“If you don’t give us a kiss, we’re going home.”), and in the long run lose control over your ability to actUltimately, on their body, at the very least causes them to grow 'disconnected' from their needs.
Letting them keep their distance is also doing prevention of possible sexual abuse. In these relationships, the child feels that he has no power because no one has taught him that he can refuse someone to approach and touch him. We cannot accustom children to conditions of this type, for your present and future safetyVarious reports indicate that Most abuses occur in environments of trust, so teaching how to say “no” is a key protective skill.
Now, it is not about demonizing the kiss. expressed affection in family (kisses, hugs, caresses) brings incalculable emotional benefits: it strengthens the bond, increases the feeling of protection and security, reduces stress and facilitates emotional regulation. In addition, affectionate contact activates endorphins, serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin, hormones related to well-being, empathy and secure attachment.
Several studies in the general population have observed that receiving affection in childhood It is associated with less distress in adulthood, and in babies, these stimuli favor neural connections healthy. A goodnight kiss, for example, can create a calming routine that improves sleep and nurtures self-esteem by communicating “you are important to me.”
The key is not “kisses yes” or “kisses no”, but consent and meaningIf a kiss is demanded, it loses value and can be confusing. If it is offered with respect, connects and comforts. That is why it is important to distinguish between intimate affection in the family and social conventions that in some contexts they ask for a greeting kiss: not every kiss expresses the same thing nor is it necessary in all situations.
Kisses on the mouth: children among children and health
Many parents are surprised when, in the park or at school, the little ones kiss each other on the lipsThey tend to imitate what they see and explore curiosity and innocenceAt an early age, these gestures have no erotic connotation; they are a spontaneous form of show love among equals. The usual thing is that decrease with age and, over time, children adjust their behavior to other social norms.
Are there risks? On a health level, the main one is that transmission of common infections, similar to that of sharing cutlery or sweetsFor hygiene reasons, some pediatricians and pediatric dentists recommend avoid kissing on the mouth to the little ones, since it can promote the spread of bacterial caries, colds, flu or other viruses such as herpes simplex type 1It is not about alarming, but about inform and decide with judgment.
On the psychological level, there is no conclusive evidence that Kissing on the lips causes trauma in itself. What is relevant is the context: consent, age, relationship and absence of coercion. If there is pressure from a minor on another or a notable age difference that places one in a vulnerable situation, adults must intervene, set limits and accompany.
How to react? Without scares or punishments. Avoid transmitting shame. You can say: “Kisses are signs of affection and are given when both people want. You can also give each other a hug or a high five.” Then, calmly reinforce what limits are adequate at home and in public spaces.
Consent, limits and practical alternatives
Teaching consent is a everyday practice and simple. Some useful guidelines:
- Your body is yours: Remind them with short, consistent phrases. No one has the right to touch you if you don't want them to.
- Naming “no” with respect: Model phrases like “Today I prefer a handshake” or “I don’t feel like a kiss right now.”
- offer alternatives: hug, hand, smile, “I love you”, draw a heart, be close. Everything counts if it’s voluntary.
- Adult empathy: avoid judging if the child does not reciprocate. Genuine affection It is neither forced nor measured by number of kisses.
It is also worth explaining that Blood does not define a child's trust: A little-known relative may be a “stranger” to him. Closeness is built with time and respect, not demanding kisses because of kinship. And if an adult requests kisses "because it's polite," remember: There are many ways to be polite that do not involve physical contact.
So now you know: a child can be respectful to others, and at the same time demand respect. The kisses are given if they wantThat's the motto; if anything, your role, besides reinforcing the child's decision, would also be to try to ease the other person's uncertainty. With clear information, respect for boundaries, and a host of loving alternatives, Affection gains meaning and the little ones gain security.