We have talked about child sexuality with Laura Perales Bermejo; Laura is a child psychologist and specializes in prevention and perinatal psychology. On your website Self-regulated parenting you will know a little more. Precisely there you will find an article called "Prevention and recommendations on child sexual abuse", in which you can read: 'Contrary to what is thought and as we have commented previously, allowing the child to experience or discover sexuality from their curiosity is not harmful (as long as it is in a healthy way)'.
It was that text through which I began to get to know the protagonist of this interview, and her work. In addition to psychotherapy with children and adults, Laura runs workshops on childhood sexuality, respectful boundaries, and managing tantrums.She also has her own Annual Conscious Parenting Training Program. Her "family circles" are also well-known, spaces where participants learn experientially and share experiences. To conclude, it's important to highlight that throughout her professional work she consistently emphasizes the need for individuals, families, and society to... Change the way we treat children, because many behaviors we label as problems are, in reality, attempts by the child to adapt to their environment.I leave you with the interview, expanded with practical tips on conscious parenting and prevention.
Childhood sexuality and social taboo
Mothers Today: Do we continue to pass on wrong ideas about sexuality to children? Are we modern but still consider sex "dirty", or is it just my perception?
Laura Perales: Indeed, the sexual taboo remains very much alive, even though we disguise it with apparent freedoms. It's a generational issue, conditioned by the same repression we experienced in childhood, as well as by a conception of sexuality as something dirty that needs to be hidden, nothing to do with natural sexuality. In other cultures less polluted than ours, the experience of sexuality is full, without taboos or concealment.It turns out that violence is practically nonexistent in those societies, and that's no coincidence. It has been proven that somatosensory pleasure and the lack of repression of sexuality are inversely correlated with violence.
This idea is reinforced when we look at anthropological research conducted in communities where childhood and adult sexuality are experienced without repression. There, Pleasure is not associated with guilt or shame.And adults naturally accompany children's curiosity. The contrast with our societies, where sexuality is mixed with pornography, violence, and secrecy, shows how taboo does not protect children, but rather leaves them more exposed to distorted messages and harmful power dynamics.
Why do we hide something that is healthy?
MH: If sexuality and its expression is healthy, if it is part of our development ... how can we explain that we still tend to hide it?
LP: For the same reason I mentioned before: if someone has experienced repression of sexuality and the transmission of that concept as something dirty (and this doesn't only happen at home, it's a social thing), however much they know the theory and understand that it's healthy, Repressive actions will arise automatically (even if it's in the form of glances, discomfort, awkward silences...). Both information to debunk myths and personal psychotherapy are necessary.
When adults carry this history of repression, They find it difficult to sustain their children's healthy curiosityPhrases like “you shouldn’t do that” or “don’t touch yourself there” appear, or the subject is quickly changed when the child asks a question. It’s not just what we say, but also what we communicate with our bodies: tension, nervous laughter, avoiding eye contact. That’s why, in addition to reading and training, being able to review one’s own history in therapy helps. Stop passing the shame on to the next generation.
A key point of conscious parenting is recognizing that the discomfort that arises regarding childhood sexuality is usually our own. The child doesn't have a problem, he's just curious.Understanding this allows us to move from censorship to support, helping to build a healthy relationship with one's own body.
What is childhood sexuality really?
MH: How is the development of sexuality in girls and young boys? (Up to 6 years).
LP: Sexuality is present from the moment of conception, progressing through different stages. Sexuality isn't just adult intercourse; we often limit the concept too much. Sexuality encompasses everything that involves pleasure. A baby breastfeeding its mother in a pleasurable way is sexuality.For example, from the age of three, there is a genital discovery, and play begins in that area. With entry into the social world, with other children, exploration among themselves also emerges. And the questions, so feared by parents. It's all healthy, perfectly normal.
From a broad perspective, childhood sexuality can be understood as a process of discovering one's own body, pleasure, and identityDuring the oral phase, up to approximately age 3, children explore the world through their mouths: they suck, bite, and explore objects and body parts. This search for pleasure and comfort is part of their neurological and emotional development.
Later, if early needs have been sufficiently met, a natural transition to a phase of greater interest in genitalsChildren touch themselves, noticing that it produces a pleasant sensation, comparing their bodies to those of other children, and wondering about the differences with adult bodies. These behaviors do not carry the erotic charge of adults, but rather remain on the level of innocence, curiosity, and symbolic play.
In cultures where this curiosity is not repressed, it has been observed that children move from the oral exploration phase to the genital phase without needing a long "latency" phase in which there is apparently no sexual interest. Thus, Energy is in motion and does not get blockedRepression, on the other hand, tends to generate fixations, fears, and subsequent difficulties in experiencing pleasure in a healthy way.
Difficult questions and how to answer them from a conscious parenting perspective
MH: When children are young they want to know everything and ask questions, parents are a little afraid of these questions and we lack naturalness, but how can we be natural if we have grown up in an environment of restrictions? Do we have to respond to all the concerns of our children?
LP: Yes, it's important that we don't lie to them or avoid questions; we must answer what they ask us, when they ask us, without anticipating or giving lengthy lectures. answering exactly what they are asking usThis fear of answering them decreases as soon as parents understand that, besides being healthy, if they don't give them answers, the children will look for them elsewhere. And of course the vision of sexuality that they are going to find in society is not healthy.
In practice, this means that in response to a question like “where do babies come from?”, we can offer real, clear and simple answersage-appropriate explanations. There's no need to resort to stories about storks or magic seeds. You can explain, for example, that a part of the father's body and another part of the mother's body come together, and that from there a baby grows in the tummy. If the child wants more details, they will ask again.
Conscious parenting proposes to respond only to what the child is ready to hearExtending the explanation beyond what was asked is usually a response to adult anxiety, not a need of the child. Listening first, breathing, observing their expression, and then answering helps maintain honest and safe communication.
It is also essential use the correct words to name the bodyPenis, vulva, testicles, breasts… Avoiding diminutives or funny nicknames conveys the unconscious message that these areas are shameful or dangerous. Naming them naturally reinforces respect for one's own body and will be key later on in preventing abuse.
Key topics before adolescence
MH: Are there topics that are important to discuss with girls and boys before adolescence?
LP: Of course, there are many topics, and sexuality is one of them. Having a healthy experience and information closer to natural sexuality (not unhealthy, socialized sexuality) will provide them with weapons against sexual abuse and against practices they do not wish to carry outeven if there is social pressure. The taboo is ours, not theirsIf we reproduce the cycle and continue showing them what is unhealthy or hiding what is healthy, they will suffer from it too.
Before adolescence, it is especially valuable to address some fundamental issues in a progressive and respectful manner:
- Respect for one's own body: that they know that their body belongs to them, that they have the right to say "no" and that no adult (neither known nor unknown) can touch their private parts without their consent.
- Difference between displays of affection and awkward situations: help them identify bodily sensations when they don't like something, and validate that they can ask to stop.
- Intimacy and privacy: introduce from a young age the idea of intimate spaces (the bathroom, the bedroom) and private behaviors, not as something dirty, but as something we take care of.
- Equality and gender rolesQuestioning sexist messages in toys, stories, or advertising, and making it clear that Boys and girls have the same value, the same rights, and the same right to pleasure and respect..
This dialogue is not a single conversation, but a ongoing conversation over the years, which adapts to the questions, maturity and experiences of each creature.
Adolescence, social pressure and sexual relations
MH: It is in adolescence (perhaps around 15 years of age?) When the person has an interest in having sexual relationships similar to those we have as adults, and is it from then on that adults become obsessed with possible risks?
LP: Sometimes it happens even before that age; the problem isn't the moment in adolescence when this occurs, but the distorted information that reaches them And having sex solely due to social pressure or gender roles (also unnatural). That is to say, the risk is not that they have relationships, but that they have them without wanting to have them, without protection, in dangerous places ... We can prevent this, firstly, with a parenting style that fosters bonding and contact, allowing the child's sense of self to develop in a solid way; secondly, by not repressing sexuality from childhood so that they seek pleasurable experiences (neither forced nor unhealthy) and have the necessary information; thirdly, by trusting them and letting them bring their partners home, in a safe environment, with contraceptives. The difference between allowing this or not is that if we do not allow it, they will end up having relationships anyway., but in a field, perhaps drunk or drugged, and in a very bad way, with the risks that this implies.
Adolescence is a time of profound reorganization of identityThe body changes, more intense sexual urges emerge, and at the same time, the peer group gains enormous influence. Many teenagers find themselves caught up in dynamics where image and reputation matter almost as much as desire itself.
In this context, easily accessible pornography functions as main (and terrible) source of sex education If the topic isn't discussed at home and at school, boys and girls may believe that sexual relations are like those they see in videos: without explicit consent, without protection, without communication, with practices that are often uncomfortable or even painful.
Conscious parenting proposes that families can offer clear information on protection, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, consent, boundaries, and mutual pleasureNot to encourage them to start relationships earlier, but so that when they decide to do so, they can choose from a place of care and not from fear or pressure.
Risky practices, peer pressure, and gender roles
MH: As you may know, there are certain news reports that tell us about risky practices among adolescent minors (for example, the pierWithout getting into whether or not they are urban legends, is it possible for girls and boys to develop their sexuality in a healthy way? What conditions would need to be met for this to happen?
LP: Yes, this exists, the pier (and other practices) are not urban legend. I have even known cases of 12 or 13 year old children who practiced it; and of pregnancies at those ages. Unnatural gender roles, machismo, have a lot to do with it.
An entire system teaches boys that they must suppress their emotions, be "macho," and wear the boot that oppresses women, while teaching girls that they must remain under that boot and be treated as objects. A multitude of constant messages in both directions bombard them from a young age, through advertising, songs, sexist toys, and so on. Furthermore, these practices are the result of... absent or authoritarian parenting which is usually given to children, as well as the repression of natural sexuality.
To prevent this, the first thing we must do is understand biology, what a baby and a child need, distinguish it from cultural factors, and also internalize that Everything that happens during childhood can show symptoms years laterEverything adds up; there's no separation between what happens when they're babies and what they experience in adolescence. It's important to raise awareness. the mental health of their children and of the humanity of the future depends on a nurturing from safety, bond, skin and eyes. The child's ego will be formed in the first three years of life, and for that it needs its mother (this is biological, it is not a question of ideologies). And the mother needs a 'tribe' that takes care of her, that pampers her, that favors her rest in order to take care of her. This is the great failure of our social organization, mothers are alone, overwhelmed, invisible, blamed even for breathing. Sometimes they are mothers due to social pressure, because it is assumed that being a woman you have to be, when it is so important to love, without any obligation or imposed role.
In the societies that I was commenting on at the beginning, close to the natural, without sexual repression, there is also an exquisite care of motherhood, a tribe that protects mothers and favors the biological occurrence. Nothing to do with our culture. This would favor, together with nurturing from the bond, the formation of a solid self and an absence of emptiness to be covered, which would allow these adolescents to say no to things they do not want to do (if they do not want to do it), either the pier, drugs, alcohol ... Most of the time they end up doing these things due to pressure from the group, trying to give an image of "older", or precisely as a rebellion against the adult prohibition. And sexuality is forbidden, hidden, in our society.
When rigid models of masculinity (“don’t cry,” “be strong,” “seduce lots of girls”) and femininity (“be compliant,” “don’t bother anyone,” “don’t be ‘easy’”) are taught from early childhood, a scenario is created where risky behaviors gain more traction. Boys may feel they must prove their worth through extreme behaviors, and girls may experience that their value depends on to be desired or accepted by the boyseven if it means doing things they don't want to do.
A healthy adolescent sexuality therefore requires several ingredients:
- Secure early attachment, with adult presence, physical contact, eye contact and listening, which allows for building a solid identity.
- Egalitarian relationship models among the reference figures, where there is neither domination nor submission.
- Continuing affective-sexual educationthat speaks of desire, consent, protection, diversity and mutual respect.
- Spaces for dialogue without judgment in a family setting, where boys and girls can share fears, doubts, and experiences.
Parenting, bonding, and sexuality: it's all related
Research and clinical experience show that There is no separation between the way a baby is cared for and the way they will experience their sexuality in adolescence and adulthood.Sexuality, understood as the ability to feel pleasure, to connect with one's own body and with that of another person with respect, has deep roots in the early years of life.
During this stage, the baby needs satisfaction of its needs. primary, basic, emotional, motor and intellectual needsIt's not just about feeding, clothing, and keeping them clean, but about responding to their cries, their fears, their need for cuddles and presence. The later ability to say "yes" and "no" in the sexual realm is linked to the early experience of being heard and respected.
Children's autonomy, another pillar of conscious parenting, also includes the physical realm. This involves respecting the child's own rhythms in matters such as toilet trainingSleep and nutrition teach us that the body has internal rhythms that deserve to be respected. When it is forced, humiliated, or ridiculed, it sends the message that the body must obey external gaze, and this weakens respect for one's own sensations.
Presence, emotional connection, and being in the "here and now" with children creates the foundation of a safe emotional intimacyA child who learns to identify and express their emotions (including pleasure) will later have resources to also communicate their desires and limits in their affective-sexual relationships.
Emotions, self-care, and pleasure
Managing emotions in childhood (crying, tantrums, fears) has a lot to do with how pleasure will be experienced in adulthood. Suppressing emotional expression (“don’t cry”, “don’t get angry”, “don’t exaggerate”) is often accompanied by a curtailment of all intense bodily manifestations, including sexual pleasure.
When a child can cry in comfort, get angry without being punished, play freely, and receive comfort, they learn that their inner world is validThis validation is the foundation of healthy self-esteem. Later, this same inner voice will allow her to distinguish between a romantic relationship where she feels cared for and one where she feels used or degraded.
Conversely, parenting styles based on rewards, punishments, and threats foster a relationship with the body oriented towards compliance and fearIn these contexts, it is easier for people to enter into sexual dynamics where they endure practices or relationships they do not want, for fear of losing affection or approval.
Play, technology and the construction of sexual identity
El free playWith its unstructured materials and symbolic play, the playroom is a privileged space for children to integrate experiences, roles, and emotions. Through play, they rehearse family scenes, caregiving, power dynamics, and gender exploration. When adults observe without judgment and intervene only to protect, they allow the child to experiment and organize their inner world.
This game also features the genital examinationThese activities include “doctor games” and body comparisons. If there are no significant age differences, if all the children involved are willing to participate, and if there is no violence, these scenes are part of healthy childhood sexuality. Adult intervention can focus on putting these things into words (“I see you’re curious about your bodies”) and gently reminding them of the importance of privacy (“this is something we usually do in private places and when everyone is okay with it”).
New technologies introduce an element of complexity. Tablets, mobile phones, and computers can become emotional refuges When a child doesn't find enough genuine connection with their attachment figures. In the realm of sexuality, unfiltered access to pornographic content can severely distort their understanding of what a sexual relationship is.
The role of the adult is not to demonize technology, but accompany, set reasonable limits, and be available to talk of what the child or teenager finds on the internet. Content blockers, active supervision, and open conversations about what they see and feel are fundamental tools.
Healthy adult sexuality: the fruit of respectful parenting
MH: And by the way, although each person experiences sex in a very personal way, and we all have our own needs ... is there a way to have a healthy sexuality? which is?
LP: Many people don't even know what an orgasm is. Either they do not feel pleasure (sometimes there is even suffering), or there is a small portion of it, which has nothing to do with a real orgasm (although having never experienced it, the person believes that they have orgasms). But as I mentioned before, sexuality goes beyond adult genitalityIt is pleasure. There are people who deny themselves the experience of pleasure; there is a self-punishment, a feeling of unworthiness, that has been consolidated since early childhood, with the denial, for example, of their parents' arms, the reproaches if they touched their genitals, the progressive disconnection from the body and what is pleasurable that occurs with the usual upbringing, detached, full of punishments, scolding, lack of play, contact, etc.
If we disconnect from our body and pleasure, what will our adult sexuality be like? The only way to experience sexuality in a healthy way is to promote healthy parenting and let go of gender roles..
Healthy adult sexuality involves being able to feel one's own body, recognizing what one likes and dislikes, and communicate it in relationships where there is mutual respectIt also means experiencing pleasure without guilt and without the need to prove anything. This way of connecting is nourished by the childhood experience of having been respected, hugged, listened to, and not punished for feeling.
When the stages of childhood sexual development have been respected (oral exploration, genital curiosity, play with peers, questions answered honestly), the chances of severe fixations and blocks are minimized. Conversely, systematic repression It can lead to adults seeking situations that reproduce old power triangles, unattainable partners, relationships in which childhood suffering is repeated, or an inability to surrender to pleasure.
How to react to childhood masturbation
MH: What would you say to a parent who is alarmed because they have discovered their daughter or son masturbating?
LP: Tell her not to be alarmed at all; it's a good sign that this is happening. Instead of being alarmed, tell her that he does it too and that it's pleasurable. Thus, with that reference, we help our child not to internalize that it is something wrong. or that they feel guilty for feeling pleasure.
From a conscious parenting perspective, childhood masturbation is understood as a natural way of exploring one's own bodyIt's not about encouraging or discouraging it, but about affirming it: "I see you're touching yourself, it's normal to feel good, it's something you do." This normalizing attitude prevents the child from associating pleasure with guilt.
It may be helpful to introduce the idea of privacy“This is something we usually do in private, in our room or in the bathroom, just like adults do in private.” This way, the child is protected from potentially harmful looks or comments from outside, without instilling shame about their body.
It's also important to examine your own gestures and facial expressions. Sometimes, even if your words are correct, your tone of voice or a surprised expression can communicate disapproval. If the adult notices a lot of discomfort, it's a good indicator to... seek professional support and review your own historyso that it is not projected onto the child.
Sexual relations at home during adolescence
MH: And what do you say to another parent who is confused because their teenager wants to sneak into the room with their partner?
LP: Well, the same thing I mentioned above, they're going to have relationships whether we let them or not; allowing them to have relationships at home will protect them from the danger of having them anywhere, and without any protection.
This stance does not mean disengaging, but quite the opposite: assume an active role in careBeing able to talk to the teenager about contraception, protection against infections, consent and mutual respect, while also offering a safe physical space, reduces many risks.
For some families, this may clash with religious, cultural, or personal beliefs. Conscious parenting encourages distinguishing between the desire to protect the child's physical and emotional well-being and the need to control their sexuality. Even when the decision is made not to allow the partner in the room, it is key to maintain an open dialogue, without blaming or threatening, so that the adolescent is not forced to engage in risky sexual activity.
Children's curiosity about the adult body
Another common situation is that children show curiosity about their parents' bodies: they want to see what they look like, they compare, they ask questions, or they even try to touch certain parts. As long as the adult doesn't eroticize the situation, Children's curiosity is genuine and innocent.And it's not a problem.
If the adult feels uncomfortable, they can express it respectfully: “I don’t want you to see me right now, I want some privacy,” or “I don’t want you to touch me there.” This, in addition to protecting their own boundaries, teaches the child that adult bodies also have a right to privacy, something fundamental for later on. respect other people's bodies.
Child sexual abuse and prevention through parenting
The underlying fear when discussing childhood sexuality is often sexual abuse. Society tends to conflate the two, as if allowing children to explore their bodies increases the risk. Evidence and clinical experience show just the opposite: A healthy and permitted childhood sexuality prevents abuse.
A child who is informed and respected about their body has more resources to recognize an inappropriate situation, finds it easier to say "no," and is more likely to ask for help. They know their body belongs to them, that no one can force them to give kisses or hugs if they don't want to, and that it's wrong for an adult to ask them to keep secrets about their private parts.
In contrast, authoritarian parenting styles, where "the adult is always right" and the child must obey without question, create the ideal breeding ground for abusers. If a child is forced to giving kisses or hugs out of obligation In family gatherings, if he is invalidated when he says "I don't want to" or ridiculed for it, he learns that his limits don't matter and that to be loved he must give up his body.
In sexual abuse, the main component is usually the power and control more than sexuality itself. A child who has learned to trust their own judgment, who knows that their caregivers believe and support them, will be a more difficult target. Therefore, rather than sowing fear, it is preferable to offer knowledge, listening, and daily respect.
Sex education in schools and institutes
MH: How do you value the sexual education of the schools and institutes of our country?
LP: There's a lot of room for improvement. I don't know what's done in all the centers, but what I've seen regarding sex education has more to do with putting on condoms or handing out tampons than with sexuality itself. It's not really education at all. we should stop repressingHow can we adults give lessons on sexuality if we're already blocked?
In many schools, so-called “sex education” is reduced to a few sessions focused on pregnancy and infection preventionThese spaces are often divided by gender, with little room to discuss pleasure, consent, diversity, emotions, or relationships. However, teenagers need tools to Understanding what a healthy relationship isHow to set boundaries, how to handle rejection, unrequited desire, or a breakup.
Comprehensive sex education should include:
- Biological and health information: changes in puberty, menstrual cycle, real (not idealized) anatomy, protection, etc.
- Emotional and relational dimension: infatuation, jealousy, respect, communication, conflict management.
- sexual and gender diversity: to make different orientations and identities visible, reducing stigma.
- Violence prevention: gender violence, control through social networks, emotional blackmail, pressure to practice certain behaviors.
For this education to be effective, it is essential that the teaching staff have also been able to examine your own biases and prejudicesWithout this prior work, it is difficult to have honest and respectful conversations with teenagers who have often already had contact with sexually explicit content on the internet.
Family involvement is key: when school and home share an approach based on respect, it reinforces the message that sexuality is a natural part of human life, which deserves to be lived with care, freedom and responsibility.
Finally, I would like to thank Laura for her collaboration, and hope that you found the extended interview valuable.I enjoyed writing it, and although it's difficult to choose, I'd have to say this phrase: "An entire system teaches boys that they must suppress their emotions, be 'macho,' and wear the boot that tramples women, and we teach girls that they must remain under that boot and be objects." I think all of society should seriously rethink how it treats children, but also Gender roles, the way we educate about the body and pleasure, and the misconceptions we transmit intentionally or unintentionally.Otherwise, we'll have problems we already have (like the gender violenceThese problems could worsen instead of being resolved. Adopting conscious parenting that respects children's sexuality and focuses on bonding is one of the most powerful ways to build freer, more empathetic, and less violent generations.