Not all grandmothers are toxic, but there are those who give in to all the whims of their grandchildren, those who ignore them, who are even more severe with them than their children, or directly who substitute mothers in their role, what should we do then with these toxic grandmothers? These and other issues are some of the ones we are going to discuss.
Sometimes it occurs tensions between grandparents and parents because they do not share our way of seeing education, and they do what we call “spoiling the grandchildren”. Furthermore, grandmothers are not only our mothers, but they are also the mothers of the father.
What are toxic grandparents?
All people are for others, at some point or another toxic. The interesting thing is to think about it and act accordingly. In the same way that there are toxic mothers and grandmothers, children and grandchildren can also become so. The ideal would be a balance in which warmth is maintained, and a intra-family relationship good and healthy.
There are grandmothers who do not accept their role as grandmothers and they lengthen the role of mother they did with their children, repeating patterns. These people are usually not aware that the child is growing up in "another house" under another consensus of norms. Sometimes, unintentionally, grandparents and grandmothers end up becoming generators of conflict and confusion for children.
Then there are the exceptions, which unfortunately are becoming less so, of grandparents who really take care of the day to day of their grandchildren, and it is the parents who take on the role of "spoilers" of the children, skipping the rules of coexistence that the grandmother has given.
Typology of toxic grandmothers
We can speak, in general, of four types of toxic grandparents. Although they are grandparents and grandmothers, in reality the role of toxicity is traditionally played by the grandmother, with the grandfather remaining more on the sidelines until the child becomes a little older.
- The grandmothers who get into everything. They have remedies for everything, they do not hesitate to tell you what you are doing wrong and what are the solutions to conflicts. The worst thing is that these expressions are usually made in front of children, which in turn creates conflict between parents.
- The toxic grandmothers who they consent to everything. These types of grandmothers are the first to break the rules established at home.
- The grandmothers competitors. These grandmothers constantly repeat that they were the first to notice this or that thing about the child, to see him walk, to tell him that a baby brother had been born. They end up signaling themselves as the most special person in the child's life, with what that can cause in the parents.
- The grandmothers detached. They are the ones who are almost never with their grandchildren. It does not influence them in a direct way, but in reality children do not have a grandmother's referent, with what this implies an affective lack.
Tips for dealing with toxic grandmothers
It is very difficult to find the balance in these situations, but it is convenient that you have your eyes wide open, and do not delay in having a quiet chat, with respect and affection, privately with your mother or your mother-in-law. The sooner you do it, the less tension there will be. We must not allow grandmothers, with all their love and good intentions, to end up undermining the emotional balance of our children and our own partner.
If you feel that your children's grandparents are toxic and hurt them, try to get away from them little by little. But first talk to them. Many grandmothers act like this to protect their grandchildren as they did with you or your partner in their day. In this sense, seek the balance between empathy, and putting yourself in their shoes, and assertiveness. Set limits and say no.
If you have doubts and feel trapped between a toxic grandparent and your child, we recommend leaning towards the child.