The greatest source of influence for children will always be the parents, and whether the influence is positive or negative will depend on the emotional connection you have with your children. Strong limits but with commitment, warmth and mutual respect. The goal is for children to be able to develop good self-confidence and to make healthy choices on their own.
The demands and limits must be clear, but they must be watched from the affection, care and with a listening posture and understanding towards the wishes and interests of the children, as well as with a good understanding of the needs and feelings of the children. children. Below you can learn some keys to being a good influence for your children by building a great emotional connection and using it as a power base to influence behavior.
Discipline, no punishment
Is discipline without punishment possible? In addition to being possible, it is necessary for the proper development of children. Discipline in teaching is not about one punishment after another. When children mess up or break something (for example) it is an opportunity for them to learn how to do things right, under your guidance but not under punishment. Or if, for example, your son lies to you and tells you that he is going to a friend's house to study but is going to a party… this is dishonesty and there must be consequences for this, of course. But the consequences must be agreed with the children, such as a loss of privileges.
With punishment, it is imposed and not educated, with the consequences, the children are aware of their actions and reflect on what they should or should not do, they have the power to decide, something that will give them responsibility.
To give children freedom, it is also necessary to trust them, so it is a sure way for them to enjoy their freedom. So the children must understand that they can have that freedom as long as they are honest with you. It takes time to build trust, it takes will on both sides.
Sometimes no consequence is also a good option
If your kids have done something wrong but come to your side to talk about it, this may be more than enough on some occasions (depending on the severity of the situation). In this sense, they are showing you sincerity and trust, and also, repentance. All this is learning, since it is not easy to come to you to explain something they have done wrong. It takes courage to admit when something has been done wrong.
Recognize and validate feelings
Children have great feelings, and sometimes these feelings and emotions can lead to inappropriate behaviors. This is an important thing: your children are human too. It is necessary to recognize the feeling that your children have, to name the emotions. Understanding emotions does not mean that they should be changed, they should only be recognized and accepted.
For example, if your child is angry with you, tell him that you understand, something like: 'I understand that you are angry with me, it is annoying that you want to continue playing the console and tell you that time is up, but the time has come to go to the shower before dinner. ' Research shows that when emotions are named, the nervous system calms down.
This will also lead to reducing the stress of negative feelings and exploring the need to redirect the dominant emotion. Anger, for example, can be a sign that something needs to change to feel better. What exactly happens? If your child is sad, it is also an indicator to take into account, you have to explore what is happening. If they are afraid, what is it that is making them feel insecure? Children learn more about emotions when they are being emotional at a certain point, and sometimes they need help and guidance to find the right path and understand each other better.
The power of words and understanding
Understanding the things your child tells you does not mean that you should agree. Understanding your child means being open to listening to what they have to say to you and seeing things how your child sees them, from their perspective. When your child knows and understands that you will always be by their side, you will be a better influence and will be more open to your advice and requests, so they can be more willing to take on whatever lesson they need to learn from you.
For example, when your child makes a behavioral mistake, you can say things like: 'I understand how important it is for you to spend time with your friends and I know that you did not want to do the wrong thing. But we must know where you are at all times. It is not good that you do not tell us or that you do not pick up the phone when we call you. If you want freedom and spend more time with your friends, we can talk about it, but you will also have to do things so that we know that you are safe and that all is well. You have to earn that trust to get more freedom. '
Have strong limits, but allow moments for disagreement and opposition
It is important for children to have their own thoughts and to learn how to use it. This he will be able to do as he matures, but you must show him the way. If you've never given him the opportunity to disagree with you or to say no, how will he find the right words and confidence for when he is faced with peer pressure or has to make a difficult decision?
The things you do with your children should be a practice for your real world. They must learn that at the same time that they disagree with you and say no, they can be respectful, but you will continue to be their father or mother and the last decision will be yours. The more open you are to what your children have to say to you, the more they will feel heard and will be able to trust your judgment and guidance even if they disagree at first.