Very little is said about a tragedy like this: losing a child before reaching your arms. It is still taboo in the XNUMXst century, it is completely silenced and repressed. The gestational or perinatal grief it is a mourning silenced and denied by its circumstances. It is one of the most brutal and heartbreaking emotional blows a family can suffer, and yet it is silenced.
With this article I intend to focus on this fateful end and give comfort, help and a desire to improve to all those mothers who have lost a child too soon.
What are the chances of losing a pregnancy?
Between 10-20% of pregnancies collapse before reaching 20 weeks, 80% of them occur so early that we may not even find out that we have been pregnant.
Does the danger disappear after 3 months?
I wish it were so but no. About 2,6 million babies in the world die during the third trimester, about 7300 babies a day.
How to overcome the death of an unborn child?
Exactly like any other loss, it is necessary to go through the phases of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This requires assimilation and processing time, and gestational bereavement is one of the quietest and harshest due to its circumstances.
If you have the opportunity to say goodbye to him, see him in person if you can or in a photo, if you feel strong you can do it. It has been shown that those parents who have memories make it easier for them in some way, making the loss that society insists on denying more real.
How you can help parents
There are two key moments: during the hospital stay and when you get home. At the hospital you have the right to receive all the necessary information about what is going to happen next and to be able to decide, and to be treated with kindness and respect. Take your time to think and make decisions.
At home, parents need to speak up, be heard, and have their feelings validated. Do not trivialize their painIt is better not to say anything than the typical phrases that do more harm than good, such as “you'll have more, you're very young” or “better now than later”.
Negative emotions should not be avoided if not expressed. Do not deny them their grief, let them cry if they wish, express their pain, anger and frustration, make them feel that you are there for what they need and so be it. Respect their decisions and times.
Laws don't help
Spanish legislation does not help much in this regard. The law says that in order to register a baby, it must be alive for at least 24 hours, so newborns are left out. It's like they never existed. There is only one registry of unnamed neonates.
In other countries, babies who died between week 20 and birth have a death certificate. A document that, although it may seem absurd at those times, the grieving process begins in this way. By giving it a first and last name, it becomes real.
Nor is there a recognized sick leave period for mothers who have lost their baby, not only due to physical injuries (many have to undergo childbirth) but especially emotional ones.
It's been a while and I still haven't recovered, what do I do?
Each one needs time to assimilate what happened, and this also affects a lot on a couple level as well. Men often connect with their children once they are away and can interact, while women have that connection with their baby long before birth.
If you feel that after a while your sadness remains the same or you have stuck do not hesitate to ask for professional help. Someone to guide you through this tough process and help you accept and live with the loss. There are support groups for women who have been through the same thing, and share their experiences.
Because remember ... denying it only adds more pain to the pain.
Recommended books:
- "When the stork gets lost" Editorial Océano Ambar
- “The empty crib. The painful process of losing a pregnancy ”The sphere of books.