One of the great problems in schools today is the fear that children feel if they do not get good grades or if they are below the level of their peers. Another major problem is bullying, which also creates fear. Parents and teachers fight daily to stop this behavior, inadvertently it is adults who teach children the behavior of bullying by modeling when they use the threat of physical size to get children to do things. Sometimes we forget to teach children through love.
The mistake of counting to three
Many parents use the count to three method for young children. It's a way for kids to obey their demands, but I wonder what the kids will go through if their parents hit number three. Will you be afraid of a spanking, a scream, emotional abandonment, a withdrawal from love or a disapproval that will freeze your soul?
There are many types of threats and in this case it also includes counting to three. As intended, the threat of what will happen if the father reaches three forces the child to do what the father is telling him to do. Parents use threats to get children to cooperate. Many adults were educated like this, through fear ... but that does not mean that it is okay and much less that we should reproduce those punitive methods of education.
There is no magic in threats
Although it seems that counting to three is magic in discipline, there is no magic in threats. Children know that adults are bigger and more powerful than they are, so they obey to protect themselves. If the only way we can make children obey us is through fear, what are we doing? Are we teaching them that a greater physical size and power are what really serve to be successful?
Many parents see a defiance of authority in a child's rebellious behavior. But once parents understand that uncooperative behavior is usually caused by a child's unmet need or from an unrealistic expectation of an adult, the perspective changes and the parents no longer take the behavior personally. This can help improve the situation by seeking solutions.
Parents and children have different needs
Parents and children often have different needs. Sometimes our needs or schedules conflict with the needs of our children. Children who are playing do not want to interrupt their game to go to the store before it closes or to go to sleep because they have to get up early. When a parent has to do one thing and a child needs to do another, conflicts of needs come into play.
This conflict of needs turns into a power struggle when parents use the power of fear instead of the power of love. A strong bond is created over time when parents lovingly meet the needs of their children without threats when there are conflicts. Threats destroy the bond between parents and children. When we learn to resolve the conflicts of our 'needs' so that they are expressed with empathy and assertiveness, the bond will be strengthened and power struggles will be avoided.
Use love to avoid conflict
The most common reason for conflict of needs between parents and children is lack of resources. If parents had more educational resources they would not have to use threats. As long as there is a lack of emotional resources there may be conflicts of needs. If you want to raise your child in a world where the bully and the bullied do not exist, love should be the basis of your teaching, accompanied by mutual respect, trust and honesty.
It is necessary to teach children to love instead of hate, we must first learn to use parents conflict resolution skills in our daily interactions with others and with children. Just as children learn bullying from adult modeling, they can also learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills from parenting. When children learn about love and are able to internalize these skills from home, they will be able to use them in other areas of life, such as at school.
Resolve conflicts from love
It is necessary to teach children to resolve conflicts from love and respect, leaving fear aside. Sometimes there is no clear way for two people -adult and child- to get what they need, but the needs of each can always be respected in order to reach an agreement that favors both parties as much as possible.
Children do not have to resign themselves to not getting what they need just to avoid being treated in a way that does not maintain their dignity. When a big child says to another little one: 'Do what I tell you or I will hurt you' it is called bullying, but when an adult communicates in the same way with a child we call it discipline… clearly something is wrong. If children are treated in a way that takes away their dignity, you are teaching them to do the same with other people. If we want children to behave with respect, that there is no bullying and that love is present in their lives, then we must stop bullying children or educate them through fear.
The power of fear is quick and easy, but it is not really effective. The power of love takes more work and takes longer, but children will develop well emotionally and will never - never - have negative effects on themselves or on society.