When it comes to educating, we can make mistakes such as invalidating children's emotions. Especially those that are experienced in an unpleasant way such as sadness, anger or rage. All emotions are valid and they have a function in the human being. Invalidating them only creates emotional problems that will drag on for a lifetime. Today we are going to talk about the importance of validating children's emotions.
The value of emotions
All emotions are adaptive and fulfill a biological function. To deny them is to deny a part of our humanity. If you want to know more about the functions of emotions, I recommend the post "Basic emotions, what are they for?"
As we do not know how to deal with negative emotions in others, much less in ourselves, we tend to underestimate these emotions. If we see a child cry we tell him "nothing happens" o "Big kids don't cry". With phrases of this type the child grows up learning that these emotions are not valid, that he has no right to feel that way. Which will lead you to avoid them in any way so as not to face them at any cost. Denying these emotions will not make them go away. He will be insecure and misunderstood, because he will have emotions that he will not know how to manage.
How to validate children's emotions
Validating children's emotions allows us to be in contact with our children, making them feel understood, heard and safe, as they learn to manage their most unpleasant emotions and express them appropriately. Validating is accepting what the other person is feeling even if we do not agree. Perhaps the reason for their anger or sadness is not important to you, or it seems disproportionate to you. But for the child who is invaded by that emotion, he does not understand whether it is disproportionate or not, whether it is so important or not. Here our empathy will come into play to be able to put ourselves in their shoes.
Let's see some tips for validating children's emotions:
- Name the emotion. And in order to do all this we need to first recognize and differentiate emotions. Children need our help to achieve this, since most of the time they do not know why they react this way. “I see that you are angry why you wanted to spend more time in the park. I understand you, it is normal to be sad to have to leave a place where you are having a good time ”.
- Validate the emotion. That he understands that you understand him and that it is normal to have that emotion. You can mention an example where you feel that same emotion.
- Explain why. Children, children are. They are not concerned with the schedules or the obligations of the elderly. Nor can we satisfy them at all times, parents can set limits while continuing to validate their emotions. Once we have named your emotions and validated them, it's time to give reasons. "It is very late, we have to go home to make food."
- Give you an attractive alternative. Saying no to something is always much more bearable if they offer us another attractive alternative. You can offer to play his favorite game at home afterward, or go down to the park later. Whatever they offer you, you have to deliver.
Consequences of not validating children's emotions
Denying your emotions will affect your emotional development, they will not feel understood or safe, they will grow up with low self-esteem, they will repress their emotions and we will be depriving our children of the tools and resources to face their emotions and not be a slave to them.
At first it may be difficult for us because we unconsciously deny those feelings, but to educate we must also learn. Free ourselves from old patterns that do not work for healthier ones for our children.
Because remember ... there is no better way to connect with someone when you make them see that you understand them and validate their emotions.