Thordis Elva and Tom Strangers met more than 20 years ago, and although their relationship began as any other starring two teenagers could have, a traumatic event ended it ... but not forever. Tom was 2 and Thordis 18, and they were in Iceland (the girl's birthplace and the destination of a student exchange for him). One day on holiday Elva was raped by the one who was her boyfriend, they soon broke up, and when he finished the exchange program, he returned to Australia.
In this post I want to talk about sexual consent, something that we believe is implicit in any relationship, but it is not in practiceIn fact, one in five rapes suffered by women in Spain is perpetrated by someone the victim knows (the European average is even more worrying). Before I finish with the summary of the story that has inspired me: Thordis suffered physical and psychological consequences, as one might suppose the latter lasted for several years. And her life took an unexpected turn in a way when she wrote a letter to Tom; The man acknowledged his responsibility for what happened, but he was also honest: guilt had become a partner.
At link you can access the video of a TedWomen in the 2016 edition: they have proposed to raise their voices so that sexual violence becomes a matter for everyone, and not just for women. Together they have also written a book about the experience they share [not only the rape but the rapprochement over the years, it is called "South of Forgiveness" (something like "South of forgiveness")]. I would like to highlight a part of the lecture Ted, when Tom talks about the day he raped his partner, Someone made the decision to be carried away by certain negative influences, which made him believe worthy of the will and body of Thordis; and this happened despite the fact that during its development it had been influenced by good examples of treatment of women.
It is precisely what I have just mentioned, which justifies the need to include consent in sexual education.
Sexual consent, why is it necessary?
Beyond the age of legal consent (currently 16 years old), it is necessary to transfer the idea of healthy sexual relations. Consent is part of fundamental sexual rights and concerns the whole of society: not only women, but also (and above all) men. It is common to observe worried mothers and fathers when the daughter grows up, and as a result of that concern, self-protection advice arises; However, only the culture of consent can combat the culture of rape, that is why when we have male children we must also make an effort to tell them that they are not and will not be the owners of anyone's body, and that any sexual relationship is healthier (and more satisfactory ) if there is explicit agreement.
And in addition to the explicit agreement, other considerations such as the right of one of the parties to change their mind, or respect for a person who is not fully aware of their decisions due to the effects of alcohol, or for another reason, can be taken into account. . "No no no", it is so easy that it seems a bit stupid to have to explain it but it turns out that our young people grow up surrounded by messages from what we call the "culture of rape". Normalize street harassment, attribute the blame for sexual violence to the victim because of their way of being or dressing, song lyrics, trivialization of the treatment of women on social networks, and so on ...
More girls than you think are raped, and not always by a stranger in an alley; Fewer girls talk about their experience than you think. A woman does not have to be available when a man (whoever) wants sex with her. We also have our sexual desires, but it is our right to maintain the relationships we want, with whom we want, and at the time we want.
Explaining myself a little better.
I have spoken of the agreement, although I was not referring to any type of written contract between the parties. You see, it is as easy as:
The girl wants: then there is an agreement, clear that within the relationship to also maintain one and the other should be able to express their wishes and hope that they are satisfied. For example, if you are a man and you are having relationships with a sexual partner, you should bear in mind that what the other party wants is as important as what you want, that if you express non-verbally that you feel pain or are unhappy, that means you should stop and ask him.
There is no agreement when:
- The woman does not want sex.
- The woman says she wants sex but changes her mind, it doesn't matter that both of them have begun to undress: respect for the will prevails over small details.
- The woman says yes, but under duress: "If you don't have sex now, you don't love me", "How come you don't feel like it if you said no?", "How come you don't feel like it if you wanted yesterday?" , ...
- The woman has many doubts: it better be clarified first.
- The woman is drunk and tries to refuse the relationship.
- The woman is unconscious from having used alcohol or other drugs, or falls unconscious while maintaining the relationship.
- I could go on but it is as easy as understanding and accepting that it is not no, and also everything that is not YES is also NO.
I can also explain it in another way: it is also sexual violence that the partner is forced into a sexual relationship. But why am I always talking about the girl's consent? obviously either of the two has to consent, what happens is that there are more women victims of sexual assaultThis is so, we cannot now start "throwing balls out." You are going to love the following video from Blue Seat Studios 🙂:
Lack of consent goes against the sexual rights of women.
The Mexican Journal of Sociology publishes an article entitled Sexual consent: an analysis with a gender perspective, in which it is stated that "Giving or getting approval is a serious matter, the consequences of accepting or having no other option, no more options, of not having the strength to refuse ..., falls on no one but them". And in this sense I return to an idea stated above, which is to understand this issue as that of the whole of society, and not only of women.
Deliver a very clear message to girls… and boys.
Sexual relationships are full of subtleties, but it is important that the issue of consent is clear, and that girls do not grow up thinking that they should please, that they should avoid depending on what clothes, that their will has no validity, etc. And this is because over the years they may encounter unwanted situations, and it is better to detect them and deny them in time.. As we have said, a woman can be raped by her boyfriend or her husband, what is that like? It is as easy as being a partner of someone does not give the right to have sex with that person according to their own desires.
Any girl should at some point receive the message that she owns her body, any boy should hear at some point that the body of those who will be her partners does not belong to her.
I have it clear: accompany the sexual development of girls and boys, is also to speak clearly of consent, and make them see that A relationship will never be equal and satisfactory if one of the people who are part of the relationship, is implicitly or explicitly forced to do something.