Benginale ngxoxo elinde isikhathi eside: Ngikwethulela u-Antonio Ortuño, Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esisebenza ngoClinical Psychology and Family Therapist. Abanye benu bangahle bazi iphrojekthi ye-Intelligent Families, kufaka phakathi ezinye zezincwadi zayo ("Intelligent Families (okhiye abasebenzayo bezemfundo)" kanye nokuthi "Ngubani otshela abazali bami izindaba"?). Ngihlangane naye mathupha ezinyangeni ezimbalwa ezedlule esifundweni ebengifunda kuso ngisengumfundi, futhi ngiyithandile indlela yakhe yokwenza izinto, ikakhulukazi ngoba ikude nokubeka izingane "njengezinkinga" lapho kuvela izingxabano, futhi kushiya umthwalo emndenini WONKE.
U-Antonio ubesebenza nezinkinga ezihambisana nobuntwana nobusha iminyaka engaphezu kwengu-25, futhi eluleka imindeni ukuze bakwazi ukusebenzisa imisebenzi yabo yobuzali ngendlela enenhlonipho futhi enhle. Isikhungo se-Intelligent Families psychology nokwelulekwa sinikeza ukwelashwa nokuqeqeshwa; futhi ukuqeqeshwa kungumsebenzi lapho umlingiswa wethu achitha khona isikhathi esiningi, esebenzisana nezinhlangano namaqembu (imindeni noma ochwepheshe). Futhi angisafuni ukwelula isingeniso, ngakho-ke ngikushiya nengxoxo.
Madres Hoy: Uyini umndeni ohlakaniphile kuwe?
U-Antonio Ortuño: Uma siqala encazelweni yobuhlakani, njengokukwazi ukusebenzisa kahle imininingwane esetshenzwe ukuxazulula isimo esithile futhi sikwazi ukuzivumelanisa nezinguquko ezizokwenzeka nakanjani, siyabona ukuthi emkhakheni wezemfundo wezingane zethu thina kufanele uhlakaniphe. Kukhona izinguquko eziqhubekayo, kufanele uthathe izinqumo, ukuxazulula izimo.
Ngamafuphi, ukufundisa kunikeza amadodana ethu namadodakazi ethu amathuluzi ukuze akwazi ukuxazulula izimo zamanje nezesikhathi esizayo, amukele izinguquko ezizokwenzeka ezimpilweni zabo, futhi afunde ukuzivumelanisa nezinto ezingokoqobo abazoya kuzo ukuhlangana. Umndeni onobuhlakani ubheke lokhu.
MH: Yiziphi izithako zokuba ngumzali nemfundo ezidinga izingane ukuba zibe ngabantu abanesibopho kubo nakwabanye?
AO: Kunezithako ezimbili eziyisisekelo okufanele zibe khona kunoma iyiphi iresiphi yezemfundo: ukwamukelwa okungenamibandela nokulawula okunenhlonipho.
Ukuzizwa wamukelekile kubalulekile ukuthuthuka, ukukhula, ukuvuthwa, ukuzizwa uvikelekile ngokomzwelo. Amadodana namadodakazi ethu adinga ukwazi ngokuqiniseka okuphelele ukuthi abazali babo bayabathanda futhi bayabamukela, kungakhathalekile ukuthi baziphethe kanjani, bayaphumelela noma bahlulekile. Kumele bakholwe ukuthi akukho lutho emhlabeni olungadala ukuthi bayeke ukubathanda, ukubanakekela, ukuba nesithakazelo, ukubasekela. Kumele ucabange ngaso sonke isikhathi, "inqobo nje uma nginabazali bami akukho okuzokwenzeka kimi."
Futhi ukulawula okunenhlonipho kubandakanya ukubeka imingcele kwezemfundo, ukuhlonipha isigqi sayo sokuziphendukela kwemvelo, ukulawula ukwaneliseka kwezidingo zabo ekwakheni ukuqhubeka kokuzimela kwabo, nokubeka imithetho yomdlalo wokuhlalisana. Akunasidingo sokujezisa, ukusongela, ukumemeza.
MH: Ngicabanga ukuthi omama nobaba abanakho ukuxhaswa okwanele emsebenzini obaluleke kangako, ake sifunde emaphutheni ethu. Sikwenza kuphi okungalungile?
AO: Ukuba omama nobaba abaphelele kuyinjongo engenangqondo eyenza kuphela ukungabi namandla nokusinda. Amaphutha, ngoba sonke siyawenza. Enye yazo ayihlanganyeli ngemithwalo yemfaneloNgamanye amagama, sithwala imfundo yamadodana namadodakazi ethu ngemuva kwethu, sifuna ukwaneliseka, hhayi ukwesekwa ngamanye amanxusa ezemfundo. Elinye iphutha elijwayelekile engilitholayo ekwelapheni kwami ukuthi sihlala siqamba amanga emadodaneni ethu nasemadodakazini ethu. Ngaphandle kwenhloso embi, sisho into eyodwa bese senza enye. Isibonelo, ngithi HAYI, kepha ngenza uYEBO.
Ukungahambisani kwabantu abadala kubalimaza kakhulu abantwana. Elinye iphutha, ukufuna ukulalelwa hhayi umthwalo wemfanelo. Umqondo akukhona ukwenza amaphutha, kepha ukwenza amaphutha ambalwa ngangokunokwenzeka futhi ufunde kuwo.
MH: Ungasichazela ukuthi 'irobhothi elihlakaniphile' lisebenza kanjani?
AO: Irobhothi elihlakaniphile likhombisa ngemibala yalo emithathu amakhono amathathu obuzali engikholelwa ukuthi abalulekile ekusebenziseni izindlela ezinhle zokufundisa. Okungukuthi, YITHI CHA (irobhothi elibomvu), NEGOTIATE (irobhothi eliphuzi) neTrust ne-RESPECT (irobhothi eliluhlaza okotshani). Emahoreni okugcina, noma yimuphi ubaba noma umama uthe Cha endodaneni noma endodakazini yakhe, uxoxisene, noma wazama ukubenza baziphathe ngokwabo. I-smart traffic irobhothi izama ukunikeza okhiye bokukwenza ngendlela enenhlonipho, elinganiselayo futhi elula ukuze amadodana namadodakazi ethu nawo afunde ukuthi cha, ukuxoxisana nokuhlonipha nokwethemba izinqumo zabanye.
Kuyindlela evumelekile kunoma ibuphi ubudala, evumelana nanoma iyiphi ifomethi yomndeni, esebenza kahle ekuqhakambiseni umthwalo nenjabulo yamadodana namadodakazi ethu. Noma imuphi umama noma ubaba ofuna ukungena kulolu daba, ngiyakumema ukuba ufunde incwadi yami ethi Intelligent Families: Practical Keys to Education, lapho ngiyichaza khona kabanzi.
MH: Kokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho, ingabe imikhawulo iyadingeka empilweni yomndeni nakwezemfundo? Yiziphi izindlela okufanele sizibeke ukuze sizisungule? Ingabe kuyaxoxiswana noma kuyabekwa?
AO: Kunoma ikuphi ukubekwa kwezemfundo kunemikhawulo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kunoma isiphi isimo senhlalo. Ngakho-ke kuyadingeka kakhulu ukuthi abazali setha imikhawulo, yebo, ngendlela enenhlonipho, ukufuna ngaso sonke isikhathi ibhalansi phakathi kwesibopho nenjabulo, phakathi kwezibopho nezifiso. Indlela yamarobhothi ehlakaniphile iyasiza ukucacisa imikhawulo, kuya ngokuthi ngubani okumele athathe isinqumo emindenini.
Abazali kumele bahlukanise lezi zimo ezintathu lapho bexazulula izingxabano zansuku zonke. Kunezinkinga abazali okufanele baziphathe, nokuthi akufanele bavumele amadodana namadodakazi abo anqume ngoba abanazo izinsiza zokuthatha izinqumo (ilambu elibomvu); kunezinye izinkinga amadodana namadodakazi ethu okufanele aqale ukuzixazulula, ngosizo lwethu (irobhothi eliphuzi); kanye nesigaba sesithathu sezinkinga lapho amadodana namadodakazi ethu engasasidingi futhi ngoba sebenazo izinsiza zokubhekana namaqiniso abo ngeziqinisekiso ezithile zempumelelo, futhi obaba nomama kufanele basipheleke, ngenhlonipho nangokwethemba.
Inani lethu liwukunikela ngemodeli elula nephumelelayo yokufunda ngokuya ngokulinganisela kwesibopho nenjabulo, ukufunda ukuba nomusa ngemizwa nokuqina ngokuziphatha.
MH: Ezifundweni zakho ukhuluma ngezingxabano, akunakugwenywa emindenini? Yini enhle esiyizuzayo ngokuxazulula udweshu?
AO: Uma abazali abayishumi abangahleliwe bebuzwa ukuthi ngabe banengxabano noma inkinga nengane yabo izolo, imiphumela yocwaningo kulula ukuyicabanga. Kuyokwenzeka okufanayo uma umbuzo ubuzwa nasezinganeni. Akunakwenzeka ukuthi irobhothi elihlakaniphile ubaba nomama ngamunye analo ekhanda lakhe liqondane nomunye nomunye, bese kuthi liqondane nalelo indodana noma indodakazi yabo enalo ekhanda labo. Uma njengomama ucabanga ngokubomvu (NO) nendodana yakho icabanga ngokuluhlaza (YEBO), usuvele unengxabano. Futhi uma njengomama ucabanga ngokubomvu nomlingani wakho komunye umbala.
Emindenini, inkinga ukungabi nezingxabano, kepha indlela yokugxila nokuyixazulula. Kubalulekile ukusebenzisa inani lamathuba nezikhathi umuntu anazo ebuntwaneni nasebusheni ukuphatha kahle izingxabano, ngoba kunikeza isilinganiso esidingekayo sokuphepha ukusebenzisa umthwalo ezigabeni ezahlukahlukene zokuvela. Irobhothi elihlakaniphile lenza kube lula.
MH: Kukhula kanjani ukukhungatheka? Singakuthwala kanzima uma kuqhathaniswa namashumi eminyaka adlule?
AO: Ukukhungatheka kube yindlela yokusebenza kwengqondo ebilokhu ihambisana nobuntu esisiza ukuphatha isifiso neqiniso, okungukuthi, sithemba into eyodwa, iqiniso alinikezi lokho, futhi sidinga ukuzikhathaza ekuhleleni kabusha okulindelwe. Amadodana ethu namadodakazi ethu bayimishini uma kukhulunywa ngokwenza izinkohliso (kunempilo kakhulu), bese singubaba nomama abaphatha lezo zifiso futhi bazivumelanise nalokho okungokoqobo, okungukuthi, sibeka umbala werobhothi kuwo.
Uma isifiso sakhe ukuthi ube neselula yakho isikhashana, ngokwesibonelo, futhi akucele yona, unezinketho ezintathu zokuyiqeda ngokoqobo: ungamvumeli (abomvu), mtshele ukuthi uyishiya lapho ufake amapyjama akhe (ophuzi) noma umvumele aqonde (green). Ukukhungatheka akuveli ngokuluhlaza, ngokuqinisekile kubomvu, futhi kungaphuzi. Futhi ukusiza amadodana namadodakazi ethu abekezelele ukukhungatheka, kubalulekile ukuhlala kumbala osunqumile. Uma kuqhathaniswa namashumi eminyaka adlule, ukukhungatheka akubekezeleleki namuhla ngoba sishintsha umbala kalula.
MH: Sitshele ukuthi yini ephawula umndeni ojabulayo.
AO: Emndenini ojabulayo, emndenini ohlakaniphile, i-protagonism isatshalaliswa, ngendlela enenhlonipho. Kukhona ukuqashelwa, umuzwa wokuba wedwa, intshisekelo kokuhlangenwe nakho komuntu ngamunye, ukuqonda futhi ube nentshisekelo kokuhlangenwe nakho kwabanye. Kunokulungiswa okuqhubekayo enqubeni yokuzivumelanisa nezindawo zokuhlala bobabili, kusizakala usuku nosuku, ukuxhumana okungenakubalwa kobumbano lwabo, ukwenza izimpilo zabo zibe mnandi. Benza isiqiniseko sokuthi izingane zabo, ngemuva kokuxhumana komndeni ngamunye, zihamba kangcono kunalezo ebeziyizo.
Emndenini ojabulayo, emndenini ohlakaniphile, isifiso sokukhomba, ukwehlukanisa, siyaqiniswa, ukuhlonipha izinga lokukhula kwawo wonke amalungu alo. Ukuzwa ulusizo futhi ukhethekile (ukukwazi ukukhombisa umhlaba amakhono akho) kuyinto ebalulekile.
Emndenini ojabulayo, emndenini ohlakaniphile, kujatshulelwa nsuku zonke, ukuzama ukungalali ngaphandle kokwenza umsebenzi othokozisayo, umsebenzi owenziwa umuntu ngamunye kanye neqembu, ekhaya noma kude nasekhaya. Bafuna ubuqiniso, bathande okuthile, baphila impilo ngendlela eyiqiniso kakhulu. Injabulo iyahambisana nesikhathi samanje.
Ukwamukelwa okungenamibandela nokulawulwa okunenhlonipho kufanele kube khona kunoma iyiphi iresiphi yezemfundo
Emndenini ojabulayo, emndenini ohlakaniphile, kucatshangwa ukuthi amahlaya asho isimo sokubekezelela impilo nezingqinamba zayo. Ufunda ukwamukela kangcono ubunzima, ulawula impilo yakho futhi uyenze isebenze ngangokunokwenzeka. Ukuhleka kuthuthukisa ukuhlangana komndeni. Ukusondela empilweni ngenjabulo kuthuthukisa ukuba ngumzali. Ukuhleka kuwutshalomali.
Emndenini ojabulayo, emndenini ohlakaniphile, izinguquko nenqubekela phambili ziyafunwa futhi zithuthukiswe. Banelukuluku lokufuna ukwazi, bafuna isikhundla, bathanda ukuthola izinto ezintsha. Bajwayele ukuletha ukuqina, okungukuthi, bakholelwa emakhono abo lapho bebhekene nobunzima, kwisitayela sabo sokubhekana nezehlakalo zempilo. Ukuthatha izingxabano hhayi njengezinkinga, kepha njengezinselelo namathuba.
Ngigcina ibinzana “Emndenini onobuhlakani, iqhaza elibekayo labiwa, ngendlela enenhlonipho. Kukhona ukuqashelwa, ukuzizwa ungelutho, intshisekelo kokuhlangenwe nakho komuntu ngamunye, ukuqonda futhi ube nentshisekelo kokuhlangenwe nakho kwabanye ", nangokuqiniseka ukuthi ngamunye wethu angakha imindeni ehlakaniphile, futhi ngaphezu kwakho konke kujabule, ukuze kuzuze ilungu ngalinye lalo, kodwa ukucabanga okuningi mayelana nezingane kanye nentsha, ezozizwa yamukelekile futhi ngesikhathi esifanayo iphephile ngokusungulwa kwemingcele ethile edingekayo. Ngibonga u-Antonio ngokubambisana kwakhe futhi kusuka Madres Hoy Ngiyakuhalalisela ngomsebenzi wakho.
Imininingwane engaphezulu - Imindeni ehlakaniphile